I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
