what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
