I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize