I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
