Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
