Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
