I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
