in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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