somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i will never coherently bang her
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
