I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
