All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
