mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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