he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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