I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well I just put wine in my tea
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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