I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
