You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
