would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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