So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
