My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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