I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
