I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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