In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
