thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize