My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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