OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
