Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
