One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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