Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize