No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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