I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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