dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
