You smell like a Billy Joel song
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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