I am midnight drunk by noon
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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