Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
