Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
