I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
