1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
