OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
