Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
