he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
