By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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