if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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