i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize