Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
