So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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