Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
