I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
