Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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