a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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