as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
