I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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