I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize