he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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