I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
