and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
