thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
