I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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