Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
